Feelings...

Following is what is going through my mind at this moment and truth is its not the first time these thoughts are crossing my mind. I am finally writing it out just as a memoir, if nothing more.

Why am i still here? What is keeping me glued to this place, this group, these people whom i would prefer to call two-faced any day. I am surely not the person who can "Live" in such a group. Right now, i feel like a mortal entity which is just existing, surviving not Living for sure. The only possible reason i could think of sticking here is the urge to do something big for which i feel i need support.

The step to join them surely feels like a mistake. I feel i would have been happier in my own world however small it was, but at least it was "my" world. Here, i feel segregated almost daily. If someone would have told me on Day One that Boss, You are not part of the group, so mind your own business may be i would have been content doing my work. On one hand, you say that you are part of the "internal" core team, they say we are a "family". On the other, there is a clear demarcation, there is a clear-cut split where people don't speak up if you happen to be in the same room, where information is shared with in one split, where people even ask members outside the one split to leave because they want to discuss something within their group. My question is: Why do you need to be a diplomat within the group if you consider it to be " One Family"?

The question which i keep asking myself is "Is it really necessary to do something big, to change the world, to achieve fame, to be a name which people know?". I have started to feel that the day is coming near, when i would eventually say "Enough now, I can't take it anymore" and take a bow and leave off to "My" small world where i can find happiness in all those small little things, a world where 'I' might change to 'We', "My" might change to "Our", where I can feel "My" complimentary and enjoy the present and not worry about past or future.