Feelings...

Following is what is going through my mind at this moment and truth is its not the first time these thoughts are crossing my mind. I am finally writing it out just as a memoir, if nothing more.

Why am i still here? What is keeping me glued to this place, this group, these people whom i would prefer to call two-faced any day. I am surely not the person who can "Live" in such a group. Right now, i feel like a mortal entity which is just existing, surviving not Living for sure. The only possible reason i could think of sticking here is the urge to do something big for which i feel i need support.

The step to join them surely feels like a mistake. I feel i would have been happier in my own world however small it was, but at least it was "my" world. Here, i feel segregated almost daily. If someone would have told me on Day One that Boss, You are not part of the group, so mind your own business may be i would have been content doing my work. On one hand, you say that you are part of the "internal" core team, they say we are a "family". On the other, there is a clear demarcation, there is a clear-cut split where people don't speak up if you happen to be in the same room, where information is shared with in one split, where people even ask members outside the one split to leave because they want to discuss something within their group. My question is: Why do you need to be a diplomat within the group if you consider it to be " One Family"?

The question which i keep asking myself is "Is it really necessary to do something big, to change the world, to achieve fame, to be a name which people know?". I have started to feel that the day is coming near, when i would eventually say "Enough now, I can't take it anymore" and take a bow and leave off to "My" small world where i can find happiness in all those small little things, a world where 'I' might change to 'We', "My" might change to "Our", where I can feel "My" complimentary and enjoy the present and not worry about past or future.

Dosti..??

F.R.I.E.N.D. - The word that speaks for itself, that needs no definition or explanation. I would like to quote a very famous and a true saying which i believe wholeheartedly and i suppose no one would argue me on this - "A friend in need is a friend indeed".

The big question is what actually is friendship??
*Is it sharing and caring for someone?
*Is it sitting at the same place, not saying a word and feeling that u had the best conversation?
*Is it a sense of companionship which you feel when you are with someone?
*Is it just a sense of security that someone knows you, likes you for what u r and admires you?
*Is it just wishing to be with someone all the time?
*Is friendship a walk by the river hand in hand?
*Or is it a walk in the rain, with folded jeans for that small cup of chai and samosa?
*Is it giving up your latest crush bcoz you know your friend loves him/her?
*Is it talking long hours on the phone jabbering about every little incident of the day?
*Is it what drives a weekend catch-up call or a lengthy STD call even when on roaming?
*Is it always somehow making time and keeping in touch?
*Is it rushing to every festival\event in the town and celebrating in each other's company?
*Is it about having the comfort of discussing your screwed up love life over and over again?
*Is it about understanding that the special someone needs more airtime than you do?
*Is it meeting in a queue for movie tickets and feeling like you have known each other for ages?
*Is it knowing when someone needs a hug and when someone needs to be left alone?

Well..well...well, not one of these can define friendship, thats for sure...but if not all, most of these can be attributed to the greatest bond.

What i would say is it is a place that only you can fill, you and only you...

Who is my friend? The question has always troubled me. I think he/she would be someone to whom i can relate to emotionally. With whom, i am just myself. While talking to that person, i don't have to think twice. I can speak my mind out without any hesitation.

Now, this may sound weird or extra crazy but for me it is not. I would not think twice calling up that true friend - "My Friend" - at three in the morning, waking him up, telling him the silliest thing in the world cropping up in my mind which would eventually make me feel good that i shared it with someone and the person is also cool even with being disturbed at such a time.

I feel that at varying points of time, a person's friend circle changes. The people you stay with at different times become your friends. With that definition i too had had many friends at all the times but i think never had that one person who sincerely cared, remembered me in all the moments of happiness and sorrow or might be i am bit too much harsh on this point. Well, people say it’s difficult to find that special one. I would say tougher job is to find a real F.R.I.E.N.D.

The One

I walk alone, most of the times
or with friends, as they call them
but that feeling still eludes me,
accompanying someone real.

tried to figure it out, but all in vain
when will this journey end,
when will the search be over,
Is it so tough or am i making it that way
to find that person, the special one,
i can refer to as friend forever.